We Know What We Want?

In these exceptional times, we wanted to thank you for staying with us!

While our dating adventures and events are postponed till mid-June hopefully, we’re still working hard (from home of course) to find great matches for our members! Well we thought about ways to keep in touch with our members, and have decided to share a series of dating stories with the hope of inspiring change.  All names are fictional of course, but the stories we hope are epiphanic.

Which brings us to our first story.  Now, heaps of people come through our doors, with all kinds of pre-conceived notions about dating, relationships, marriage and life.  Some have literally given us their formulas and algorithms to follow (sorry, we didn’t because I don’t like people messing with my spreadsheets) when it comes to finding what they want.  Calvin’s our typical Singaporean guy – machismo job in the defence sector, decent salary, keeps fit, witty, candid and an absolute gentleman at dates.  And perhaps, more importantly for us at least, armed with the quintessential Singaporean quip – I pay for service, you better deliver.  As with most guys, Calvin was very clear about what physical traits he wanted in a lady, right down to age, BMI, no acne scars – precision.

Samantha on the other hand, was not your typical local girl – in fact, she wasn’t even local.  She fell beyond the upper range of his age expectations, wasn’t exactly the athletic sort, nor was she much into the outdoors.  While she held a great job with an impressive pay, she had an even greater personality and an undemanding nature .  She had pristine complexion and a smile like sunshine on a rainy day.

This was an almost impossible match from the start to say the least  Both didn’t meet what the other wanted on paper – whether it was height, age, ethnicity, academics – basically everything they listed down rationally as hard traits they wanted in a partner, except real personality.  After a massive amount of cajoling and coaxing, the first date did materialize but with loads of reluctance on both ends.  But the minute the date started, the reluctance let their true personalities come through and most objections prior to the date got thrown out the window faster than Thanos snapping his fingers.  No, it wasn’t a romantic love at first sight thing, it was more of an epiphany.

It wasn’t all smooth sailing from thereon, and there was a close call along the way.  Despite requests from several people over the years, our usual style has never been one of direct intervention, but always to first suggest self-reflection and open communication.  We nag incessantly on what to do or not do and what to say and not say during dates, because couples often fast forward their entire lives and desires onto that first date, so much so that they think it’s done with and forget about plain simple communication for the rest of their relationships.  Speaking and listening directly and plainly instead of small talk was what enabled Calvin and Samantha to persevere through the close call.  Understanding the 5 Love Languages does help, and you’ll need it later on anyway as required reading for most parents here.

Well, as with any dating story, there is a moral to this story.  (Other than the glaring fact that you should take advice from us since we and our staff are only in this because we want to be).  Most of us may know what traits we want in a partner, but we don’t really understand why (the we know what we want but not why syndrome).  We need to understand how and if the traits we want in a partner, allows us to even live a harmonious life together.  Don’t extrapolate from your current point in life – it’s not a graph, and forget the clichés about “opposites attract”, “I’m short, so I need someone tall”, “I’m impatient so I need someone patient.”  More importantly, do you even have the traits that your partner (to-be) needs in a daily life together?